50 things that are worse than gay marriage (part 2)

So here is the unanticipated second installment. Hope they inspire you to take action against these injustices.

26. Graphics over gameplay

As a nintendo fan, this one was inevitable. But I can play an 8 bit game with great joy and affection, so I'm not sure why graphics is an important factor in games. Provided the game flows smoothly, it doesn't matter. Plus the point of videogames is often to take us away from the dull reality of our dull lives in our dull settings by giving us colourful and imaginative worlds for us to play around in. However, many games sacrifice this imagination in exchange for a gritty, brown and grey environment that is super-realistic. Douchebags the lot of them.

27. People saying south park is ignorant

If you say this, you clearly just don't get it. You are allowed to not like it, but in the same way that I admit that rappers have talent (I just don't like it), people need to realise that South Park is clever and witty, even if they don't like it.

28. Good, nice, kind and cool

The least imaginative words in the english dictionary. It now says to me that the person saying it couldn't think of an actual adjective to describe something. That isn't necessarily insulting their intelligence if they're talking in a hurry, before anyone cries.

29. When your phone breaks the train ticket

AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I don't like buying another one... for fuck's sake.

30. Footballer’s salaries

There are people being paid less than minimum wage or even nothing at all who work harder than many a footballer. It doesn't help that many of them (JOHN TERRY) are complete arseholes.

31. That plastic packaging that is impossible to get into without scissors, yet when you do cut them open it cuts your FUCKING HAND!!!

(see title of thing)

32. How my phone autocorrects tgat to Tgat

Come on apple, what the fuck is that about?!? Also happens with wgat...

33. Facebook emails

Another example of evil genius: every time something is altered on facebook, or a new feature is introduced, they automatically start sending you emails whenever someone you know uses it. I'm so tired of endless lists of boxes I have to uncheck just so that they can leave me the fuck alone!

34. People who are happy after arguments

I had a friend (note the use of past tense) who after an argument would suddenly be very cheerful. No. Post-argument feelings are anger, frustration, guilt and sorrow, and the last thing you want to happen is the person you are feeling those feelings towards/about is as happy as Larry.

35. People who don’t let other people out
When you are driving, you are an arsehole, provided your metal machine of death combusts some fraction of crude oil that we're losing in case you've noticed. A miniscule compensation for this strangely ubiquitous sin is to let other drivers out at a junction or pedestrians cross if there is a big queue behind you. There's little more irritating and grinding than being stuck at such junctions with fellow arseholes driving straight past either giving you that "well I don't know what you expect me to do for you"or not even trying to catch your eye. I'm not sure which is worse, so I guess I'll have to burn them all. In my mind of course. Yeah.

36. Adverts that flog dead horses

The meerkats of the now infamous advert and the little edf energy owl/flame/turd have gone way too far now. They were sweet initially, I even went on the compare the meerkat website and downloaded the human league song featured. But now it's just got irritating. It's this problem that people don't like new things, they like things that they already know and adore. This cautious method of advertising is safe for the mass-pleasing companies, and is probably an easier job for the advertising department, but I always find the more ambitious adverts that are highly original always catch my eye more.

37. Kerrang

3 words: Utter emo trash.

38. Sore winners

Considerably worse than a sore loser, because a sore winner catalyses sore loser behaviour. Thus by simple logic they must be worse.

39. Hollywood

Known for releasing films (apparently) the hollywood film industry is full of paranoid cocksuckers who only become 'attached' to a project if they can guarantee it's success in the public. This is all well and good on paper, but in reality this means the dreaded word: sequel. Rather than release a new and original film (which can do quite well you know==> see inception), producers and writers and all the rest prefer something that they know will maintain their reputations. You're only as good as your last film!

40. Bitching

I must admit I am a veteran at what has become 'bitching'. I am afraid to admit it is more common amongst teenage girls than boys, although saying that I have heard some nasty bitches from the male pool of life. Sorry women that was unnecessary, but I digress. In year 11 it ruined many a friendship group and split the school in 2 to the extent that I left to go to a (better) sixth form. At university it started again a bit and I had flashbacks. Fuck's sake it follows me...

41. Inside jokes where you are the only one who doesn't get it

Inside jokes are great! But don't fucking think about doing one where it involves alienating only one of the people in the crowd of friends around you. That's not being cool. That's being a cunt.

42. Genocide

Because it is worse, duh.

43. Pseudo charity fund raisers

Twat: Hey would you like to buy a doughnut for our cause?

Me: Sure, what cause is it for?

Twat: [fishing out a doughnut] It's for our drama society so that we can buy a new backdrop for our production of Jul...

[Twat's voice is stifled as I throw a fucking bench at him]

44. GCSE science

Why does it lie?!?!? WHY?!?!?!? Now when 16 year olds try and talk biology with me, I end up using the phrase "weeelll... sort of true but not quite the full story" way too often.

45. Those games that always causes arguments

I have lost more friends to monopoly than the westboro baptist church loses respect day by day for being insensitive towards mourners.

46. Things that could ruin a heterosexual marriage

Just a smart-arse note here: cheating, domestic abuse, just falling out of love. Aren't all these things worse than just letting two people love each other regardless of man:woman ratio? I would much prefer to live in a world without even one of those things above and instead have gay marriage.

[Note: I understand these things could ruin gay marriage too, but until gay marriage is legal I'm not allowed to call it that]

47. Slow walkers

In all seriousness, you guys should have a separate lane on the pavement! There is nothing more frustrating than being in a hurry to catch a train, escape a planted bomb etc and having some bastard taking up the middle of the walking space sauntering like he's collecting his fucking lottery winnings.

48. Jim Davidson and Bernard Manning’s DNA being merged to produce a child

An ugly fucking racist spawn of satin. Pass the shotgun quick!

49. Benefit frauds

It is absolutely sick to take advantage of a decent and merciful system that helps the less fortunate just so you can get some extra cash you don't deserve. If you want extra cash go be a footballer!

50. People who accuse wrongly of benefit fraud

This happened to a good friend of mine and his family recently. They are the nicest family you'd ever know in terms of hospitality and having a laugh, but they have the misfortune of disability and low income hanging over them. What they don't need is some bitch to suggest they don't deserve that! They use the money better than most so leave them alone!

50 things that are worse than gay marriage (part 1)

As much as I would like to just stumble straight into the 50 strong hastily thought of collection of pet peeves and unpleasantry with the decorum of a train on giant skates going down a glacier, it suddenly occurred to me that the title mildly suggests that I think gay marriage is bad. I do not think this, in fact, I believe that if you truly want to display your undying love for another human being in the form of a ceremony of some sort and some rings, then who gives a toss what the proportion of men to women there are in the couples. Except for the odd exception (see number 42), most of these 'things' are little objects or scenarios that can be described as "slightly annoying but on the whole tolerable in small amounts", and thus that these things warrant a petition against them much more than gay marriage. In fact, can we legalise gay marriage, and in return, make illegal any of the following that isn't already illegal? Here are the first 25 joyous bites of 'wisdom'

1. Oasis

There could be many different bands here, but my reasoning for putting the pioneers of britpop dulge shit on this list is less my subjective hatred of this band, but a more objective annoyance, although that is my subjective opinion (aaaarrrgghhhh). It is thus: the band has a reputation for being controversial, what with the charming Liam giving away his various awards. You see this and think firstly "what a prick", but then soon afterwards "they must be hardcore punk or hip hop or something provocative". However when you actually listen to their stuff, it's really light and fluffy. "What the fuck?", you tend to say as you quickly attempt to stop the dreadful whingy shit.

2. Standing on a snail

It is night. about ten minutes ago it was raining heavily but all is clear now. You are walking along with a friend. You are chatting with them, unaware of where you are placing your feet. There is a sickening crunch. Guilt. Guilt. GUILT!

3. Children’s drama series

I understand that Alan Rickman and Judie Dench are unlikely to want to sign up to entertaining an easily pleased child audience on a tiny set with a £2.46 budget, yet the acting is so bad in certain shows (the new tracy beaker comes to mind) that you cannot watch this without cringing. Cartoons are still safe, as they are still immensely entertaining. Some other shows such as Drake and Josh are also acceptable.

4. Waking up to a numb arm

Ever woken up to seeing a random arm in your bed, then after a few confusing and frightening minutes realising it is in fact your arm but it's so numb that you cannot move it, then frustratedly trying and failing to wiggle your fingers? If so, then you see why it's on this.

5. Green crisps/chips

You find them in the packet, or at the fish and chip shops. Are they edible? Are they tasty? Are they poisonous? Not sure, better not eat it anyway. Wasted a crisp. Feel like a bastard.

6. Spiders that hide in blackberries

As a child I used to pick blackberries with my grandmother, which was lovely until the beige monster emerges, terrifying me into never eating blackberry crumble again. Bad memories.

7. Iphone email

I'm sure I'm not the only person who gets irritated when my phone seems to want to slap an advert under every email I ever send to anyone. As if a potential employer or lecturer on my course will read "sent from my iPhone" and think "fuck everything I need to do right now, I need to get this phone. I mean, it sends EMAILS," and then jump through the window, run down the fire escape and straight to the apple store so that they can send an email back.

8. Fan fiction

This includes anything written by stupid people who fantasize about being intimate with their favourite character from what can (sometimes) be an acceptable or even decent book, film or TV series, then just smack various body parts against a keyboard excitedly in their own delusion until some wank appears on the screen for us to suffer reading.

9. Sand in your clothes after a trip to the beach

It certainly gives me a moment of hesitation before setting foot on the beach with no shoes on. But then very soon afterwards I think 'don't care about future self, have fun!' I hate my past self sometimes.

10. No loo roll at the wrong time

No matter how high or mighty you may be, or think you may be, you've still had that panicky situation where you just didn't look to see whether you had any toilet roll before you went. After the ubiquitous outbreak of silent but strong anger and regret, each and every one of us have our own strategy for dealing with said situation.

11. Happy endings in horror films

Just why? The whole point of these films is that either there is a small chance that everything is fine again and the dream is crushed just before the credits role, or there is no hope throughout the film and everyone including half the crew filming it have been brutally killed. A happy ending at the end of a horror film would be as appropriate as Tony Montana pulling a different expression from disgust mixed with constipation.

12. People who hate a film or television show, yet haven’t seen it

Typical conversation that frequently concludes with a death:

ME: Have you ever seen [show or film that I quite like]?

ARSEHOLE: No it's shit.

ME: But, have you ever watched it, or seen any clips of it before?

ARESHOLE: No but I don't need to 'cause I know it's rubbish.

ME: Whilst stabbing them ferociously with a knife WATCH IT FIRST, THEN FORM AN OPINION!!!!!

(I am not a hypocrite: I have watched glee, high school musical and Twilight. All shit.)

13. People pronouncing the letter H “haitch”

It is pronounced "aitch". That is all.

14. Gristle in sausage rolls

It can ruin any sausage roll, no matter how tasty it is or how much you had eaten already. It also reminds you that you are eating the bits of pig rejected by rich and snobby people churned up into paste and injected in pastry. This is a fantastic reason to become a vegetarian: mycoprotein contains no horrid bits of semi-broken cartilage.

15. And pork pies

See number 14, but replace the words sausage roll with pork pie.

16. People saying I can’t like chicken because I'm a vegetarian

Many people became vegetarian because they didn't like the taste of meat. Say this to them, because it's true.  I made the decision to stop eating meat for various reasons (see previous attempt to entertain my 4 readers), but taste wasn't one of them.

17. People who treat their pets like children

This was one of the most surreal moments in my life. I once met some people who refer to themselves as 'mummy' and 'daddy' when talking to their pets.

18. Debates on the internet

They don't go anywhere. Simple. It ruins any youtube video that even mentions the word God with pointless arguments about whether He exists that have a few interesting points either way but ultimately descends into misunderstanding and petty insults. This ends up irritating everyone else, because believe it or not some people just want to put a sensible, inquisitive or even genuinely funny (some are!) comment, which is immediately drowned in a sea of pointless fuckwit comments. To quote someone I spoke to once (and heartily agreed with) "anyone who enters a youtube debate should be sterilised immediately".

19. Covers of THOSE SONGS
School bands are always a bit hit and miss, but any band that covers one of THOSE songs that everyone does slips down the grease-lined funnel of ignorance straight into the miss-box. Anyone who's seen a school gig knows what I mean: All The Small Things by Blink 182, Sweet Child O' Mine by Guns n Roses, Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana and so on. I'm not sure entirely why some of these songs are covered. Nirvana and Blink 182 are probably because they're easy, but Guns n Roses isn't particularly: difficult singing and a rather complicated guitar riff, or at least to a pubescent arrogant little show off twat.

20. A cut that only hurts when you notice it
It's interesting psychologically, but my goodness do you hate yourself for looking afterwards.

21. 3D films
Please can someone confirm that I'm not the only person who finds these pointless? When I go see a movie, there are several prioritised criteria that I judge the film on: acting quality, writing, soundtrack, etc. Visual effects is pretty low on that list, thus I'm not paying extra cash on seeing the same acting/writing/etc just because every now and then a piece of confetti blowing from Mel Gibson's left nostril will look slightly closer to my face than the confused vicar behind him.

22. Alternative genre
It appears that if you cannot be bothered to identify an artist's genre, it is placed under the pointless heading 'alternative'. Bands described as alternative on iTunes includes coldplay, florence and the machine, Linkin park and the white stripes, all of whom can be put under much more logical and descriptive genre headings. The only band I can think of who are truly alternative is Primus (also known as funk metal).

23. Di Caprio being romantic
Gangs of new york, inception, catch me if you can. These are great films where Leo works very hard and pulls off his roles superbly. But stick him in a romantic film and suddenly he is just one of those awful gooey actors who make me do one of those mini sicks that Michael Macintyre so eloquently describes. It also saddens me greatly to think of how much he sucks in these films relative to how well he portrays other roles.

24. The use of tradition as an excuse
In Spain, bulls are tortured and often killed for people's amusement. Why? Because it's tradition. In England, people would chase down and rip apart foxes with guns, horses, dogs and a bugle. Why? It's tradition. The plantations in southern USA and central America used slaves imported from Africa as their main workers. Why? It was tradition.

25. Simon Cowell
This man is an economic genius. An economic evil genius. He may well be the single-handed reason as to why the music business could fuck up at any moment. In his (reluctant) defense, he makes his money by providing the public with talent, but with the extra filter added on of 'talent that the public will like', thus his artists never progress, they just copy the previous artist for the 10 seconds of fame they receive. He's also a complete wanker to people: he does "tell it how it is", but there must be a nicer method of criticising people.