1. Oasis
There could be many different bands here, but my reasoning for putting the pioneers of britpop dulge shit on this list is less my subjective hatred of this band, but a more objective annoyance, although that is my subjective opinion (aaaarrrgghhhh). It is thus: the band has a reputation for being controversial, what with the charming Liam giving away his various awards. You see this and think firstly "what a prick", but then soon afterwards "they must be hardcore punk or hip hop or something provocative". However when you actually listen to their stuff, it's really light and fluffy. "What the fuck?", you tend to say as you quickly attempt to stop the dreadful whingy shit.
2. Standing on a snail
It is night. about ten minutes ago it was raining heavily but all is clear now. You are walking along with a friend. You are chatting with them, unaware of where you are placing your feet. There is a sickening crunch. Guilt. Guilt. GUILT!
3. Children’s drama series
I understand that Alan Rickman and Judie Dench are unlikely to want to sign up to entertaining an easily pleased child audience on a tiny set with a £2.46 budget, yet the acting is so bad in certain shows (the new tracy beaker comes to mind) that you cannot watch this without cringing. Cartoons are still safe, as they are still immensely entertaining. Some other shows such as Drake and Josh are also acceptable.
4. Waking up to a numb arm
Ever woken up to seeing a random arm in your bed, then after a few confusing and frightening minutes realising it is in fact your arm but it's so numb that you cannot move it, then frustratedly trying and failing to wiggle your fingers? If so, then you see why it's on this.
5. Green crisps/chips
You find them in the packet, or at the fish and chip shops. Are they edible? Are they tasty? Are they poisonous? Not sure, better not eat it anyway. Wasted a crisp. Feel like a bastard.
6. Spiders that hide in blackberries
As a child I used to pick blackberries with my grandmother, which was lovely until the beige monster emerges, terrifying me into never eating blackberry crumble again. Bad memories.
7. Iphone email
I'm sure I'm not the only person who gets irritated when my phone seems to want to slap an advert under every email I ever send to anyone. As if a potential employer or lecturer on my course will read "sent from my iPhone" and think "fuck everything I need to do right now, I need to get this phone. I mean, it sends EMAILS," and then jump through the window, run down the fire escape and straight to the apple store so that they can send an email back.
8. Fan fiction
This includes anything written by stupid people who fantasize about being intimate with their favourite character from what can (sometimes) be an acceptable or even decent book, film or TV series, then just smack various body parts against a keyboard excitedly in their own delusion until some wank appears on the screen for us to suffer reading.
9. Sand in your clothes after a trip to the beach
It certainly gives me a moment of hesitation before setting foot on the beach with no shoes on. But then very soon afterwards I think 'don't care about future self, have fun!' I hate my past self sometimes.
10. No loo roll at the wrong time
No matter how high or mighty you may be, or think you may be, you've still had that panicky situation where you just didn't look to see whether you had any toilet roll before you went. After the ubiquitous outbreak of silent but strong anger and regret, each and every one of us have our own strategy for dealing with said situation.
11. Happy endings in horror films
Just why? The whole point of these films is that either there is a small chance that everything is fine again and the dream is crushed just before the credits role, or there is no hope throughout the film and everyone including half the crew filming it have been brutally killed. A happy ending at the end of a horror film would be as appropriate as Tony Montana pulling a different expression from disgust mixed with constipation.
12. People who hate a film or television show, yet
haven’t seen it
Typical conversation that frequently concludes with a death:
ME: Have you ever seen [show or film that I quite like]?
ARSEHOLE: No it's shit.
ME: But, have you ever watched it, or seen any clips of it before?
ARESHOLE: No but I don't need to 'cause I know it's rubbish.
ME: Whilst stabbing them ferociously with a knife WATCH IT FIRST, THEN FORM AN OPINION!!!!!
(I am not a hypocrite: I have watched glee, high school musical and Twilight. All shit.)
13. People pronouncing the letter H “haitch”
It is pronounced "aitch". That is all.
14. Gristle in sausage rolls
It can ruin any sausage roll, no matter how tasty it is or how much you had eaten already. It also reminds you that you are eating the bits of pig rejected by rich and snobby people churned up into paste and injected in pastry. This is a fantastic reason to become a vegetarian: mycoprotein contains no horrid bits of semi-broken cartilage.
15. And pork pies
See number 14, but replace the words sausage roll with pork pie.
16. People saying I can’t like chicken because I'm a vegetarian
Many people became vegetarian because they didn't like the taste of meat. Say this to them, because it's true. I made the decision to stop eating meat for various reasons (see previous attempt to entertain my 4 readers), but taste wasn't one of them.
17. People who treat their pets like children
This was one of the most surreal moments in my life. I once met some people who refer to themselves as 'mummy' and 'daddy' when talking to their pets.
18. Debates on the internet
They don't go anywhere. Simple. It ruins any youtube video that even mentions the word God with pointless arguments about whether He exists that have a few interesting points either way but ultimately descends into misunderstanding and petty insults. This ends up irritating everyone else, because believe it or not some people just want to put a sensible, inquisitive or even genuinely funny (some are!) comment, which is immediately drowned in a sea of pointless fuckwit comments. To quote someone I spoke to once (and heartily agreed with) "anyone who enters a youtube debate should be sterilised immediately".
19. Covers of THOSE SONGS
School bands are always a bit hit and miss, but any band that covers one of THOSE songs that everyone does slips down the grease-lined funnel of ignorance straight into the miss-box. Anyone who's seen a school gig knows what I mean: All The Small Things by Blink 182, Sweet Child O' Mine by Guns n Roses, Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana and so on. I'm not sure entirely why some of these songs are covered. Nirvana and Blink 182 are probably because they're easy, but Guns n Roses isn't particularly: difficult singing and a rather complicated guitar riff, or at least to a pubescent arrogant little show off twat.
School bands are always a bit hit and miss, but any band that covers one of THOSE songs that everyone does slips down the grease-lined funnel of ignorance straight into the miss-box. Anyone who's seen a school gig knows what I mean: All The Small Things by Blink 182, Sweet Child O' Mine by Guns n Roses, Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana and so on. I'm not sure entirely why some of these songs are covered. Nirvana and Blink 182 are probably because they're easy, but Guns n Roses isn't particularly: difficult singing and a rather complicated guitar riff, or at least to a pubescent arrogant little show off twat.
20. A cut that only hurts when you notice it
It's interesting psychologically, but my goodness do you hate yourself for looking afterwards.
It's interesting psychologically, but my goodness do you hate yourself for looking afterwards.
21. 3D films
Please can someone confirm that I'm not the only person who finds these pointless? When I go see a movie, there are several prioritised criteria that I judge the film on: acting quality, writing, soundtrack, etc. Visual effects is pretty low on that list, thus I'm not paying extra cash on seeing the same acting/writing/etc just because every now and then a piece of confetti blowing from Mel Gibson's left nostril will look slightly closer to my face than the confused vicar behind him.
Please can someone confirm that I'm not the only person who finds these pointless? When I go see a movie, there are several prioritised criteria that I judge the film on: acting quality, writing, soundtrack, etc. Visual effects is pretty low on that list, thus I'm not paying extra cash on seeing the same acting/writing/etc just because every now and then a piece of confetti blowing from Mel Gibson's left nostril will look slightly closer to my face than the confused vicar behind him.
22. Alternative genre
It appears that if you cannot be bothered to identify an artist's genre, it is placed under the pointless heading 'alternative'. Bands described as alternative on iTunes includes coldplay, florence and the machine, Linkin park and the white stripes, all of whom can be put under much more logical and descriptive genre headings. The only band I can think of who are truly alternative is Primus (also known as funk metal).
It appears that if you cannot be bothered to identify an artist's genre, it is placed under the pointless heading 'alternative'. Bands described as alternative on iTunes includes coldplay, florence and the machine, Linkin park and the white stripes, all of whom can be put under much more logical and descriptive genre headings. The only band I can think of who are truly alternative is Primus (also known as funk metal).
23. Di Caprio being romantic
Gangs of new york, inception, catch me if you can. These are great films where Leo works very hard and pulls off his roles superbly. But stick him in a romantic film and suddenly he is just one of those awful gooey actors who make me do one of those mini sicks that Michael Macintyre so eloquently describes. It also saddens me greatly to think of how much he sucks in these films relative to how well he portrays other roles.
Gangs of new york, inception, catch me if you can. These are great films where Leo works very hard and pulls off his roles superbly. But stick him in a romantic film and suddenly he is just one of those awful gooey actors who make me do one of those mini sicks that Michael Macintyre so eloquently describes. It also saddens me greatly to think of how much he sucks in these films relative to how well he portrays other roles.
24. The use of tradition as an excuse
In Spain, bulls are tortured and often killed for people's amusement. Why? Because it's tradition. In England, people would chase down and rip apart foxes with guns, horses, dogs and a bugle. Why? It's tradition. The plantations in southern USA and central America used slaves imported from Africa as their main workers. Why? It was tradition.
In Spain, bulls are tortured and often killed for people's amusement. Why? Because it's tradition. In England, people would chase down and rip apart foxes with guns, horses, dogs and a bugle. Why? It's tradition. The plantations in southern USA and central America used slaves imported from Africa as their main workers. Why? It was tradition.
25. Simon Cowell
This man is an economic genius. An economic evil genius. He may well be the single-handed reason as to why the music business could fuck up at any moment. In his (reluctant) defense, he makes his money by providing the public with talent, but with the extra filter added on of 'talent that the public will like', thus his artists never progress, they just copy the previous artist for the 10 seconds of fame they receive. He's also a complete wanker to people: he does "tell it how it is", but there must be a nicer method of criticising people.
This man is an economic genius. An economic evil genius. He may well be the single-handed reason as to why the music business could fuck up at any moment. In his (reluctant) defense, he makes his money by providing the public with talent, but with the extra filter added on of 'talent that the public will like', thus his artists never progress, they just copy the previous artist for the 10 seconds of fame they receive. He's also a complete wanker to people: he does "tell it how it is", but there must be a nicer method of criticising people.
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